The Whine Stops Here 

                by Joan Shiels

for Hope Church 1/13/08

The Readings

I) from  Paul in the Tenth Chapter of Hebrews and the Second Chapter of Philippians

Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together and encouraging one another…Try to do all things without murmuring and arguing so that you may be blameless and innocent children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, in which you shine like stars in the world. 

II) from A New Earth  by Eckhart Tolle    

Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up ---if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. “How dare you serve me cold soup….?” That’s complaining.

The Message

First, a story, from Robert Fulghum: [Uh Oh pg 143]:  

It is the summer of 1959, at a mountain resort in Northern California. I, just out of college, have a job that combines being the night desk clerk and helping with the horses in the stable. The owner-manager is a Swiss/Italian guy with old European notions about conditions of employment. He and I do not get along. I’m 22 and pretty free with my opinions. He’s 52 and has a few opinions of his own.

For one full week we employees were served the same thing for lunch every day: two wieners, a mound of sauerkraut, and stale rolls. To compound the insult, the cost of the meal was deducted from our pay. I was outraged. On Friday night of that week, I was at my desk job around 11 p.m. The night auditor had just come on duty. I went to the kitchen to get a snack and saw a note to the chef saying that wieners and sauerkraut were on the employee menu for two more days.

"That does it. I quit."

For lack of a better audience, I unloaded on the night auditor, Sigmund Wollman. I declared that I had had it up to here, that I was going to throw the wieners and the sauerkraut right in the face of the owner.I am sick and tired of this misery and nobody is going to make me eat wieners and sauerkraut for a whole weekand make me pay for it and who does he think he is anyhow and the horses are nags and the guests are fools and I'm packing my bags and heading for Montana where they wouldn’t feed wieners and sauerkraut to the hogs.

I went on for some twenty minutes. I ended with a call to arms, freedom, unions, uprising,

and the breaking of the chains of the working masses. As I pitched my fit, Sigmund Wollman sat quietly on his stool,smoking a cigarette and watching me with sorrowful eyes. He had good reason to look sorrowful. Survivor of Auschwitz. Three years. German Jew. Thin, coughed a lot. He liked being alone at the night job ---gave him peace and quiet and, even more, he could go into the kitchen and have a snack whenever he wanted to –all the wieners and sauerkraut he wanted. To him, a feast. In Auschwitz he dreamed of such a time.

"Are you finished?" Wollman asked me.

 

"No. Why?" I replied.

He said, "Lissen. Lissen me. You know what's wrong with you? It's not the wieners and sauerkraut and it's not the boss and it's not the chef and it's not the job. It’s you."

"So, what's wrong with me?" I asked

He responded, “Fulghum, you think you know everything, but you don't know the difference between an inconvenience and a problem. If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you have a problem. Everything else is inconvenience.Life is inconvenience. Life is lumpy. Learn to separate the inconveniences from the real problems. You will live longer. And will not annoy people like me so much. Good night."

In a gesture combining dismissal and blessing, he waved me off to bed.

Seldom in my life have I been hit between the eyes with truth so hard. Years later I heard a Japanese Zen Buddhist describe what the moment of enlightenment was like, and I knew exactly what he meant. There in the late night darkness of the Feather River Inn, Sigmund Wollman simultaneously gave me a swift kick in the behind and opened a window in my mind.

For thirty years now, in times of stress and strain, when I’m about to blow up, I think of Wollman: "Problem or inconvenience?"

So this morning, I wonder with you --- how do we acquire that wisdom? More specific to my topic today -----how do we learn when to complain and when not to?

Most of us complain a lot. We complain about what people wear, how they drive, what is served for lunch and what appears on television. Complaints are everywhere. Read a newspaper -- any newspaper – and the number of complaints will far outweigh the amount of recognitions or salutations of gratitude.

We complain about the city council. Gas prices are too high. The weather is too cold. Then it’s too hot. We’re tired, and there just isn’t enough time in a day to accomplish everything we’d like. The local newspaper prints too much about WalMart or not enough. Our children don’t listen, and our family just doesn’t understand. Does this sound familiar? Have we gotten too accustomed to griping about the bad instead of looking at the good in life? Yes, perhaps we wait too long in the drive-thru line, or our flight was cancelled, or we are disappointed with the return on our investments. 

According to Will Bown, who wrote Complaint Free World, when we are tempted to complain we should stop and ask ourselves: Will this complaint do any good? Will it change anything? And he suggests that if it will not, that you help yourself ---and others—by remaining silent.

When the mind is habitually filled with complaints there isn't much room left for things like love, compassion, service, and generosity which are the core teachings of the Gospels. In addition, have you ever noticed how complaining often does little or nothing to improve the situation?

Sure, there are times when a complaint is justified, such as when someone crashes into another person’s car due to negligence or intoxication. When someone disappoints us it’s okay to lodge a grievance, and sometimes it can help.

Bowen does not suggest we abandon complaining altogether. He does suggest abandon useless complaining and when we do choose to complain to learn how to do it effectively.

Some people say that complaining is healthy. It seems to me that if complaining were a way to be healthy, then the people in the United States would be some of the healthiest people in the world. And yet, with what many would call the greatest medical system on earth, the United States is at the top of the list of countries whose people suffer deaths from heart disease each year. The United States is also plagued with high blood pressure, stroke, cancer and other types of disease. “Dis-ease” – get it? There’s a connection. These illnesses are often attributed to the stress we experience in our lives.

Here’s how it works: When we complain we are saying “something is wrong.” When we complain often, we live in a state of “something is wrong” and this increases stress in our lives. Imagine if someone were constantly telling you, “Beware,” or “Watch out, something bad is going to happen.” Would it not make your life more stressful if someone were repeatedly pointing out potential dangers and pitfalls surrounding you? Of course it would. And when you complain frequently the person sounding that warning alarm is you. You are raising your stress level by complaining.

What Bowen suggests is that every time you are tempted to complain, you do more than express you unhappiness. You also try to offer a solution to the problem.

Directing a comment to someone who can improve the situation is not complaining. Berating someone or just saying how mad, sad or angry you are is complaining.

Wisdom suggests that before you complain, think about the effect of your comments on your listener. If the comment is not going to the place where change can be made you probably shouldn’t say it. If you do this for a while, you will find yourself to be a happier person and someone who is known for good ideas rather than just a complainer.

Is this a spiritual concern? Yes, absolutely. I believe that if we spend our lives constantly finding and focusing on what is wrong our spirits can become dejected and frustrated. We risk losing our connections to the sacred, to our families, our friends, and to our communities. Ask yourself –do you like being around the complainers you know?

Making the shift from complaint to appreciation requires spiritual discipline and growth.

It challenges us to live life more fully. It invites us to live with grace and gratitude. In the scripture reading today there was an instruction from Paul “to provoke one another to love and good deeds” and  “to do all things without murmuring and arguing” (which could have been translated as “do all things without complaining.” ) And the chances of following that great commandment--LOVE ONE ANOTHER --increase tremendously when we stop complaining.

As a Progressive Christian, rather than focus on guilt and suffering, I prefer to find ways to help people to remember the positive and practical teachings of Jesus. God is, I believe, uninterested in our past guilt or innocence, and quite interested in our ongoing spiritual growth. I’m pretty sure this includes abandoning things like griping, gossiping, complaining, kvetching, whining, belly-aching and grumbling.

 

Imagine your entire life being happier, more loving, more positive, and more abundant. Just think—suppose you were about to open your mouth and complain about the weather—how cold it’s been. But instead, you stop yourself. And you start thinking about how the low temperatures make you appreciate being curled up under a blanket. Or how you’ll get to light a fire in the fireplace and really enjoy it. Those kinds of moments could quite easily give you a more positive outlook on life.  Especially when it comes to situations that you can’t do anything about.

Maya Angelou said once: “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.”

I know I am not telling you anything here that you don’t already know. But it is my practice to remind you of things that are important and that deserve more of our attention.  I want to invite you to engage in a life of grace, gratitude, and appreciation.  I’m doing that by inviting all of you to read Will Bowen’s book Complaint Free World and then join a discussion group.

For most of us, complaining is a habit--a deeply ingrained habit—And changing a habit is very difficult. But it can be done. Not all at once and not just because you decide you want to make a change. We change ourselves a little bit at a time.  We become aware of what we’re doing and then we make choices, small choices, one after the other, until we have acquired a new habit. Without that commitment to the task, and a consistent practice, we will fail at establishing a new habit. But if we break a task down into small bits and are consistent, we will prevail.  This is true, no matter what we are trying to do.

Let me tell you another story from Robert Fulghum  [What Have I Done?]

Two young college men, who live near me, asked me for a ride one morning, because they were late to work. Their summer construction job was near my office, so I was glad to give them a lift. In the car I asked, “Besides working hard and playing hard, what’s happening in your lives?”

They exchanged glances. Then one said,

“We’re eating a chair.”

What?

Yes. It seems that their college philosophy teacher gave them an extra-credit assignment:

Do something unique and memorable –not dangerous or foolish-- but something creative, inventive, and instructive. Write it up, and explain what was learned and how it might apply to a philosophy of life. So. They are eating a chair.

They bought a plain wooden kitchen chair at an unfinished furniture store. Using a wood rasp, they have been shaving away at the chair, mixing the dust into their granola for breakfast, and sprinkling the dust on their salads at dinner. So far they have consumed most of a leg, two rungs, and a back piece.

Yes, they consulted a physician to make sure the wood dust was not harmful. And no, it doesn’t taste bad –especially if they mix in a little cinnamon at breakfast and a little lemon pepper at dinner. And yes, they have learned a few things along the way.

“Like what?” I asked.

Like how long-term goals can be achieved in small incremental stages. Like how one change affects your thinking about the other things you do. And, of course, they’re very pleased with themselves.

For all the goofiness of the project, these young men are learning patience and perseverance. Some things can only be acquired on a little-at-a-time, keep-the-long-goal-in-mind, stay-focused basis.Love and friendship are like that. Marriage and parenthood too.  And peace and justice and social change.

….and exchanging a bad habit for a good one.

I hope you’ll join in this experiment of reading this little book together, talking together and asking yourself if you would  like to make this change for the better.

~~~~~~

Peace be with you.